Executive Privilege

It's scary how quickly the symptoms of malnutrition have become evident in the last several days.

I noticed a few days ago that my teeth looked like they had blue/gray in them. Actually, I just ignored it thinking it was juice stains or something.  However, after doing some research it seems to be related to the anemia. The discoloration is internal and not external.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling to concentrate and think. This morning as I taught a Sunday School class I was embarrassed when I completely lost my train of thought in the middle of asking a question.  Although it came back to me in a few seconds, it was a scary feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I've lost my train of thought before...but this was different. I felt lost and confused.

The hunger is also constant now.  Up until a few days ago, when I woke up I felt fine. It seemed as if my digestive system just shut down while I slept resulting in a period of relief in the mornings until I ate my first 1/2 serving.  Now I wake up hungry and, even after eating a half serving, stay hungry.

The anger/grouchiness also rarely subsides. But I can pinpoint it now and it doesn't start in my head. It comes from a feeling of discomfort in my body. I felt this discomfort even early in the project but wasn't able to connect it to my feelings of anger until recently.

Scary.

And even though I understand rationally that my anger is coming from something physical and not mental, I'm unable to keep it from affecting my mental state. Does that even make sense to you? It sounds completely bizarre to me, but it's true.

And I am angry almost all of the time. I can't seem to control it. This afternoon I took a long nap (because I'm exhausted) and then spent the late afternoon and evening listening to lectures and completing homework in the solitude of my office where I wouldn't snap at anyone.

I did, however, take the time to plant some tulip bulbs (my favorite!) right after my nap while I was still sane from the needed rest. These tulips signify hope for the future but will also serve as a reminder of the last few days of this journey into hunger.

That's right. I said "last few days".

When I began this project, I promised my husband and children that they could demand that I stop if they saw the need.  Upon waking this morning, my husband invoked his executive privilege. He told me that the time was here.  He said, "I'm moving up your date to eat. It's November 1. You will have completed three months and that's long enough.  Besides that," he said, "you need to have your strength for the Springsteen concert.  The last thing I want is for your to pass out and be carried out on a stretcher rather than enjoying it."

Good point. And I respect this man who has allowed me to experience hunger even though my whole family has paid a price for it.

So...there it is. I believe that I've pushed my body as far as I can. And I'm looking forward to getting healthy again.

Beginning November 1 I will be substituting one meal with one daily serving of Numana while eating normal, healthy meals for the other two regular meals of the day.

Yes, my journey into hunger will be over but my spiritual year-long journey will continue in a way that is still sacrificial and a meaningful reminder to me of all of those in our world who are suffering from the effects of long-term hunger.