Life in our Cocoons

The highlight of my day? Grocery shopping!

Has anyone every told you that you should never go shopping when you're hungry? Ha! If it was on sale and I've ever been hungry for it in the last three months, it went in my cart. I think we're stocked up for a while.

I usually weigh only on Mondays but I weighed today just out of curiosity. My body has shed exactly 60 pounds in 3 months. I also got back the lab from my last blood draw and posted them.

I will keep weighing in...now on Fridays. (I'll give myself a good week of eating normal, but healthy, food and substituting one daily serving of Numana for one meal each day.) At the end of November, I will also get my blood drawn again to make sure that the anemia is steadily improving.

What an experience.

You know, last night's post was one of my most read ever. Interestingly, only one person commented on it. One. Some of the messages of the Bible are not so fun to hear.

As a child, I remember the commercials that were on TV hosted by Sally Struthers. I know I didn't think much about it then. However, I don't think my children will be so blind or nonchalant about this issue throughout their lives.

It is so much easier to live life in our own little cocoons. But as Christians, we can't do that.

A heard a woman at the church the other day say, "Well, as long as you're happy.  God wants you to be happy."

Really? Jesus doesn't say a darn thing about the importance of your happiness in any of the Gospel accounts. Quite the opposite.

Do you know what?  It's not about you at all.

And the sooner we get that...the better.

Simply the Title Page

Sometimes the words just don't come.

As I sit here tonight trying to come up with some words to share with you, I find that I'm struggling with the fact that the intensive part of this project is ending in a rather non-climactic way.

(Interesting side note:  The song that woke me up on the first day of this project, woke me up again today.  I'm very curious about what it will be tomorrow on the last day.)

Going into this I had high hopes to raise awareness and make a difference. Even though I'm not seeing the "fruit" of this project, I know that I planted some seeds. I pray that some of them landed in some fertile soil.

As for me, this experience has affected me in many ways.

For example, (and this was completely unexpected) I find that I am disgusted by the waste and excess in our culture. I am particularly offended by shameless boasting about that abundance. There are so many unmet needs out there in the world.

How do we reconcile that in our own minds? I can't.  How will we reconcile that with God? Well, God, I just really, really wanted that $75,000 car and $500,000 house...and knew you would understand that my wants should come before the needs of others.

Really? Will He?

Take a look at Matthew 19:16-26:

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?”Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”  (Here Jesus is pointing out to the young man that he doesn't even understand what "good" is! The whole Old Testament proved to us that nobody can be "good" enough.  We are all sinners...even the very best of us fall way short.)

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied,“‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?” (Ha! This young man thinks pretty highly of himself!)

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”  (Oof!)

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. 

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” 

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Notice that Jesus points out that it is impossible for a rich man to save himself...however, he also makes it clear that "with God all things are possible".  Yes, all Christians have been blessed by the gift of grace...even the rich ones.

However, if you have treasure here, it will still be right here when you are gone. But, if you give it away now, you will have treasure in heaven.

As Christians, shouldn't we be blessing others with our gifts?

Yes. Sacrificially.

Our time here is short...simply the title page of the book. All of your treasure is worthless as of page 2 if you don't use what was entrusted to you to help others.

HOPE

This is going to be the longest three days ever.

It was a full and busy day, though, and that helps.  I also took a nap after work which I really didn't have time to do, but I'm so darn tired.

However, this evening I had a feeling of hope and a sense of looking forward to the future for the first time in a while.  I didn't even realize that I was missing that feeling.  Logically, I've always looked forward to the future...but it's different to feel that hope.

So glad that it's back!

Executive Privilege

It's scary how quickly the symptoms of malnutrition have become evident in the last several days.

I noticed a few days ago that my teeth looked like they had blue/gray in them. Actually, I just ignored it thinking it was juice stains or something.  However, after doing some research it seems to be related to the anemia. The discoloration is internal and not external.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling to concentrate and think. This morning as I taught a Sunday School class I was embarrassed when I completely lost my train of thought in the middle of asking a question.  Although it came back to me in a few seconds, it was a scary feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I've lost my train of thought before...but this was different. I felt lost and confused.

The hunger is also constant now.  Up until a few days ago, when I woke up I felt fine. It seemed as if my digestive system just shut down while I slept resulting in a period of relief in the mornings until I ate my first 1/2 serving.  Now I wake up hungry and, even after eating a half serving, stay hungry.

The anger/grouchiness also rarely subsides. But I can pinpoint it now and it doesn't start in my head. It comes from a feeling of discomfort in my body. I felt this discomfort even early in the project but wasn't able to connect it to my feelings of anger until recently.

Scary.

And even though I understand rationally that my anger is coming from something physical and not mental, I'm unable to keep it from affecting my mental state. Does that even make sense to you? It sounds completely bizarre to me, but it's true.

And I am angry almost all of the time. I can't seem to control it. This afternoon I took a long nap (because I'm exhausted) and then spent the late afternoon and evening listening to lectures and completing homework in the solitude of my office where I wouldn't snap at anyone.

I did, however, take the time to plant some tulip bulbs (my favorite!) right after my nap while I was still sane from the needed rest. These tulips signify hope for the future but will also serve as a reminder of the last few days of this journey into hunger.

That's right. I said "last few days".

When I began this project, I promised my husband and children that they could demand that I stop if they saw the need.  Upon waking this morning, my husband invoked his executive privilege. He told me that the time was here.  He said, "I'm moving up your date to eat. It's November 1. You will have completed three months and that's long enough.  Besides that," he said, "you need to have your strength for the Springsteen concert.  The last thing I want is for your to pass out and be carried out on a stretcher rather than enjoying it."

Good point. And I respect this man who has allowed me to experience hunger even though my whole family has paid a price for it.

So...there it is. I believe that I've pushed my body as far as I can. And I'm looking forward to getting healthy again.

Beginning November 1 I will be substituting one meal with one daily serving of Numana while eating normal, healthy meals for the other two regular meals of the day.

Yes, my journey into hunger will be over but my spiritual year-long journey will continue in a way that is still sacrificial and a meaningful reminder to me of all of those in our world who are suffering from the effects of long-term hunger.

THAT Kind of Day

Spent some time today shopping with my youngest kids (13 year old twins) for winter clothes. We don't do back to school shopping. I make them wait until the weather is getting colder. 

Rant #1: Do we really wonder why our teenage boys wear baggy pants? If I were to buy my son jeans that fit him in the waist, they would be way too short. When I buy him jeans that are long enough, they are way too baggy. Which way would you go? Grrr...

Rant #2: Layering. I hate it. This makes me have to buy at least two shirts instead of one for my daughter. Why in the world is this back in style? I care so little about fashion that I don't even know how to match this stuff...nor did I know how to do it back in the 80's. Grrrrrrr...

Yeah. It was that kind of day.

Today was also (obviously) a very hungry day. I'm not sure how much more I can take. But I do know that I want to help anyone who has ever felt this way.

Tired of being angry. Tired of crying. Tired of this helpless feeling that is constantly in my gut.

Going to bed early and praying that tomorrow is a better day.

The Grumpy Factor

We've had a couple of good college visits now...two down and two to go before our little girl makes a decision.

While sitting in the opening session yesterday I missed a call. Later I listened to the voice message in which I was told that my anemia is worse. I know the doctor thinks I must be a complete moron for doing this to myself.

A few months ago when I was first told about this, I started on a multivitamin which includes 100% of the needed daily value of iron. Yesterday, I added iron pills which have 361%. Plus, I drank my first V8 Fusion.  

Eesch...  

But it did include 1 1/2 servings of fruits and vegetables. I think my body is ready for some green, leafy stuff!

So, when we went to the luncheon my brain (stomach?) was screaming, "You really need to eat something! Just eat!" And they were serving salad, green beans, mashed red potatoes, gravy, rolls, and chicken fried steak...with chocolate chip cookie bars and lemon bars for dessert.  

Walking away from that meal was very, very hard. 

Seeing how much food was left over and wondering where it all went was also hard.  

I did a little research and found some symptoms of anemia that I am experiencing:

• Easy fatigue and loss of energy
• Dizziness
• Pale skin
• Leg cramps
• Coldness in hands and feet
• Light-headedness when standing up
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking
• Feeling grumpy

My family is particularly wary of that last one.

Going through this while taking a particularly difficult semester of seminary has been a challenge. I know that my thinking is slow and cloudy. This has not helped the grumpy factor. It is about to drive me crazy that I fumble for the right words and lose my train of thought.

But this is reality. People who are starving don't get to run to the store and buy some iron pills. 

From what I've read, lasting effects come from prolonged and untreated anemia. The decrease in red blood cells means that less oxygen is getting where it needs to go in the body. Although mine will not be prolonged, for many people who are starving this means that they are likely to suffer damage to their heart and brain.

My symptoms are relatively minor and simply bothersome. My anemia isn't severe and life-threatening. Please do not worry.

This post has kept me busy while my family sat together and enjoyed a big breakfast made by my husband---o'brien hash browns, sausage, pancakes, and white queso scrambled eggs.  

Three weeks and counting...

Praying for Clouds

We're taking our daughter on another college visit tomorrow. It's an exciting time in her life...and ours! It is fun to see her hard work in high school pay off.

Can it really be that next year at this time she will have been out of our house for a couple of months?

We're not new to this. We've been through it before.

I remember when our oldest son went off to college. Even though we couldn't imagine life without him in our home, we just adjusted to it one day at a time until it was hard to remember what it was like to have him there every day.

It's sad really. When we are forced into change, we just do it. What once seemed weird...becomes our new "normal".

There was a day not too many years ago when we had four children home and we thought we would never, ever get them raised. It seemed we would be raising them forever. But next year life will change for the second time in this way.

Our babies will never all live at home with us again. There's no obnoxious heavy metal music blaring from the basement every morning...and soon there will be no corny British pop tunes floating up from there either.

(Oh wait...she's trained her younger sister well.  I don't think McFly will be out of the picture quite yet.)

Why didn't I enjoy those days more when they were younger?

Don't get me wrong. I want them to grow up and be self-sufficient. I don't want them to rely on us but to find their own way.

But I'm sad tonight. And I regret the times that I was too busy, too grumpy, too selfish, too preoccupied, too frustrated, too tired, etc., etc., to just enjoy them. To play, talk, laugh, snuggle...as much as I should have.

They grow up fast and we don't get that time back.

Even tonight, as I've written this, I've been impatient with my kids. I suck.

I hope that my kids' memories of growing up with me as their mother are clouded by grace, because I've certainly not been the mom they deserved.

Hope for the Future

I had blood drawn today one last time. The doctor wanted to be sure to check for anemia this time so I am anxious to get the results.  Because I feel pretty good, I will be surprised if I am still anemic.

Today was a hungry day, though.  Although the day is approaching when I will once again be able to taste different flavors and have my hunger completely satisfied, November 18 still seems a long way off when my brain is distracted by food.  Twenty four more full days.

I have decided, however, that I will finish out my full year by substituting one meal per day with the Numana beginning on the 18th. This will allow me to meet my year-long goal in a modified way that still requires a sacrifice and that continues to bring attention to this cause.

Besides that, I realize that my body will need to be reintroduced slowly to different foods. I'm a bit worried about breaking this fast in a healthy way.  I won't be jumping into fried chicken and a rich dessert early that Sunday morning...as much as I think I'd like to!

I reported to you earlier that I've been surprised that I haven't had headaches. This has continued and still surprises me. Also along the way, the heartburn went away.  I realize now that it's been over a month since I've needed to pop a Tums in my mouth. Interesting.

Yesterday after my haircut, I asked my youngest daughter to take my picture. When I looked at it I was shocked! I feel that I look like I've really aged over the last couple of months. In fact, the lady who drew my blood today told me that she didn't even recognize me. However, she assured me that my skin will adjust to this over time when I quit dropping weight. At some point, it will regain a healthy appearance when I am once again providing a reasonable amount of nutrition and calories.

And I know it's true. This is a temporary and self-imposed inconvenience in my life rather than a life sentence...or, I guess I should say, a death sentence. I have the wonderful advantage of hope for the future.

Can you imagine a life without hope?

Well, organizations like Numana are there to provide hope. You can just see it on the faces of those who receive it.

Keep Praying

I talked to Jay at Numana today. We are looking at April for the packaging event. Be sure to fill out the pledge form if you want to participate in some way. When more details are available, I will share them with you.

In addition, I'm working out plans to go with them when they deliver our food. It sounds like that will either be a trip to Nairobi, Kenya or Rwanda in late spring or early summer. 

This will be the perfect conclusion to the project and certainly an eye-opening adventure. I simply can't wait.

Of course, there are lots of details to work out between now and then.

Your continued prayers for this project are important. Please keep them coming.

Lost and Found

No time to blog last night. I was busy having a nervous breakdown about my Greek class. I'm quite certain that the grade for the quiz I took last night will be disappointing. Afterwards the only thing I was up to doing was sleeping...and even that didn't come easy.

After work today I went to get my hair cut along with my kids. The little gal that does our hair has been a supporter of this project and I always look forward to seeing her.

Today I realized as we talked that she didn't know how Bruce Springsteen became part of my story...which made me realized that you probably don't know either!

Well, before I explain, take a look at this. It's a blog post I wrote in January of 2009 that will introduce you to the beginning of this little journey.

No peeking ahead!  If you haven't read it yet, stop now and click the link above and read it before you go on!

There are so many details that I can't explain in this short blog, but I have come to associate the loss of my spiritual life with the loss of this magazine...and the return of my spiritual life with the return of it.  No, I'm not blaming the person who stole it, I believe this was God's will and God's timing.

I don't believe that the magazine itself had anything to do with my relationship with Christ. And I certainly don't worship Bruce Springsteen. But I do believe that God knew it would get my attention.

Several events were triggered by this one act of redemption...the reading of my first book on Christian apologetics, followed by a hunger for more, followed by a conversion of sorts that resulted in a renewal of my soul that could only come from the Holy Spirit.

Yes, I believe that God talks to me through Bruce...without that man even knowing it.  And I love that!

How is God trying to reach you?  Because He is trying to reach you.

Our Fellow Man

Well, it was a full day.

Preaching in the three churches in small, rural communities this morning and then joining my mentor and her husband for lunch (I had apple juice!) at a volunteer-based cafe reminded me of the incredible spirit in those communities. My husband and I were blessed by the experience.

I was pretty darn hungry by the time we got home...not to mention tired. After half of my one daily serving, I took a nap. Everyone should enjoy a nap on a Sunday afternoon.

Tonight we went to meal and auction to support Lisa Armstrong and Fellow Man International's work in Honduras. Honduran rolled tacos and tres leche cake were delightful smelling temptations this evening. (Thank goodness I saved the second half of my Numana for afterwards.)

What an inspiration! Lisa's work in Honduras has provided a clinic, school, and agricultural program that are continuing even as she is currently back in the United States due to threats against her family from drug cartels.  In particular, malnutrition has been an ongoing battle.  

Malnutrition is the number one culprit which preys especially on the young and the old, ravaging their bodies, leaving them weak and vulnerable to disease. Many diseases found in children ages 2-5 are a direct result of malnutrition brought about by a lack of food quality and quantity in the children's diets. Many children are protein deficient. 

Within the service area of the clinic, studies revealed that over 40 percent of all children are malnourished, affecting their growth and development, not to mention their health status. The clinic is involved in early detection of the malnourished child, providing rapid identification of children at risk. This reduces the incidence of second and third degrees of malnutrition which can leave children permanently affected in many ways.  The agriculture project helps provide foodstuffs high in energy, protein and vitamins to the hungry in many different ways.  May no child want for his daily bread. (Fellow Man International, emphasis mine)

Lisa reported tonight that there are no cases (zero!) of third degree malnutrition in the village at this point in time.  Not only are they growing crops, but they are also raising chickens (over 200 chickens every three weeks), eggs through their laying hens, and pork for the school food program.

The zeal and persistence of her Honduran staff in making a difference for that community on a mountain in Central America gave me renewed hope in humanity. They, who have very little, still give to help those who have even less. They give their time, energy, talents, and love at a sacrificial level in care for others. Amazing.

Meanwhile, two thousand miles to the north...

Breakfast, Babies, and Bruce

The day started with my husband announcing that he was making me breakfast. "What do you want? Sausage? Eggs? Pancakes?" He is getting worried about me physically and emotionally. But I insisted that I can make it another 28 days.

Thank God it was a good day. Honestly, that's amazing for a Saturday prior to a morning of preaching.

I'm pretty excited that my mentor asked me to preach for her tomorrow on Laity Sunday...at three churches. It's going to be an eye-opener!  Services will take place in three different churches in three different communities at 9:00, 10:00, and 11:00 am.

Today I took both my girls to my niece's baby shower in Wichita. It will be the first great grand baby for my folks. This also means that I will have a sister who is a grandma. It is hard to believe that we've reached this point in our lives. I must say that I am anxious to meet little Miss Gracie Leigh in a few months.

I didn't even cringe at the cupcakes and punch, but chatted happily with my sister, daughters, and friends.

On the way home the girls and I talked about the approaching Bruce Springsteen concert as we listened to his music. "Are you counting down the days?" Ha! "Have you seen him before, momma?" Nope. But my favorite question was, "What are you most excited about...Bruce or food?"

Hmm...

I'll put it this way, I can eat at midnight. But if the concert goes on until 1:00 or 2:00 or even 3:00 am, we won't be leaving early.

Just Go On

Feeling overwhelmed tonight. There is too much on my figurative plate and not enough on my literal plate!

I haven't really talked about some of the physical pain that has accompanied this project...but I first noticed it in those very first weeks when I was away at seminary.

When I sleep at night I don't toss and turn nearly as much as I did prior to the project starting. I have to wonder if this is due to my lack of energy. Instead, I sleep in one position until the pain of it wakes me up. That whole side will ache. Deeply. It feels like every joint is aching on that side in my arm, hip, and leg. When I roll over it slowly goes away.

That is until it starts up on the other side and wakes me up again.  Usually I only wake one or two times in the night. But the longer I've been on that side, the more intense the pain.  

I originally thought this was due to sleeping on a strange bed in the dorm, but it continued when I got home.

Of course, the quick and dramatic weight loss (even if you remove the lack of calories and nutrition factor) must have consequences for my joints and bones as they are having to adapt to a different frame.

In fact, I went clothes shopping today. My clothes were just hanging on me. I was wearing size 18w but the clothes I bought today were size 12. I made myself fold up the XXL and XL clothes that were hanging in the closet so that I would quit putting them on.

One cannot know me without noticing my weight loss. And many people have commented on it in the last couple of weeks. Although many of my friends follow and support this journey, most are unaware that I have taken on this project. It's been a very personal journey for me..even though it has a very public aspect to it.

So, I'll be sharing about this personal, short-term ministry next Sunday at church. I'm praying that there is enough interest in this community to hold a food packaging event in the spring. Your prayers are appreciated.

It's seems funny to me that many people just think I've been dieting. When I look in the mirror, I can see that this weight loss has not been a healthy thing. I don't look healthy. Yes, I look thinner...but the two are not synonymous.  

What I see when I look in the mirror are sunken, sad eyes with dark rings. I see dry skin and lifeless hair. For the first time in my life, I see wrinkles. And I know that this project has physically, mentally, and emotionally aged me.

Earlier I was looking through pictures of extreme starvation. Sometimes it leaves me feeling intensely distraught. Tonight was one of those nights.

I had the strong desire to post one of those grisly pictures on the facebook page with the caption, "Just go on with your daily life. Apparently this isn't your problem." Yes, that's cynical sarcasm.

That's how I feel. It's so much easier for us to just ignore it. It infuriates me. But I realize that this is because I am dealing with it internally every day.

So I posted a silly comic with Garfield making a comment about hunger...typical American-style "hunger".  I thought it would be a little easier to digest.

I realize that there are many, many problems in this world...and that hunger is just one of them. But it is one of them that we can be doing something about.

Please consider doing something about it.

One Moment at a Time

On the way home from multiple meetings tonight, I sat at a stoplight outside Long John Silvers and noticed that their sign said, "New Batter-Dipped Onion Rings".  This made me think of King's BBQ  (formerly of Liberal, KS) and the most amazing onion rings that ever were...and I wanted one...or ten.

Do you know how my belly would rebel if I introduced it tonight to 10 deep-friend, batter-dipped, onion rings?  It wouldn't be pretty.

I had just come from a women's group where I was able to share one of the ministries of our church. It was bitter sweet. The group member who asked me to speak this month is the same friend that had the stroke a few weeks back.

Life can change on a dime.

She had emailed me with the details that afternoon...and I was informed of the stroke that evening.

The topic I focused on tonight?  Unanswered Questions.  Who? What? When? Where? And mostly...Why?

Before I left I gave each of them a bookmark that included Hebrews 11:1 on one side. Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (KJV)

And on the other side it had the Serenity Prayer.  This prayer cannot be found in the Bible, although many assume that it came from that holy book.  Instead, it was a prayer written by Reinhold Niebuhr (an American minister, theologian, and professor) as a tag line for one of his sermons.

Most likely you are familiar with the beginning of this famous prayer.  (That is the portion that was on the bookmark I gave each of the ladies tonight.)  But the prayer is shown here in its entirety.

Serenity, courage, and wisdom.

Living one day at a time...enjoying one moment at a time.

Fiery Pillar

Well, it was a hungry day but I made it. I'm exhausted, though. Yet, instead of going to bed...here I am sharing a story with you.

This afternoon I was looking over the music for Sunday's worship and I found that we are singing a song that I do not know.  But the words captured me.  It's called Lead On, O Cloud of Presence.

Lead on, O cloud of Presence,

the exodus is come.

In wilderness and desert

our tribe shall make its home.

Our slavery left behind us,

new hopes within us grow.

We seek the land of promise

where milk and honey flow.

After this first verse I was just thinking that it was a nice little song about the Jews following God in a pillar of cloud by day and fire by night through the wilderness as they sought the promised land.  On to verse two...

Lead on, O fiery Pillar,

we follow yet with fears,

but we shall come rejoicing 

though joy be born of tears.

We are not lost, though wandering,

for by your light we come,

and we are still God's people.

The journey is our home.

First, the word "fiery" caught my attention and took me on a little tangent in my own mind. In the fifth grade my teacher would give us an extra hard word as a bonus word after our normal spelling test. One week the word was fiery. I don't know how I knew how to spell this word (although I was always quite good at spelling) but I remember that day quite clearly.

My special treat for spelling the word correctly was a Jolly Rancher. On that day I got a grape one. And, yes, just remembering it...I can almost taste it. I'm not sure why that event was important enough for me to store in my brain, but that one word bringing back this one memory was enough to make me take a second look at the lyrics of this song.

It struck me that the first verse was pleasing and hopeful with God being referred to as a "Cloud of Presence" while in the second verse He was the "Fiery Pillar" that brought fear...and tears.  Even through this wandering, however, they are certain that they are still God's people.  Even though they are wandering, they know that they are not lost because they are following God.  And the last line here grabbed me:

The journey is our home.

From my earlier posts and even from my talk with a group of women earlier this morning, it is obvious that God is pounding this point through my thick skull.  Quit setting your eyes on the Promised Land and embrace the journey as your home.

Lead on, O God of freedom,

and guide us on our way,

and help us trust the promise

through struggle and delay.

We pray our sons and daughters

may journey to that land

where justice dwells with mercy,

and love is law's demand.

In this verse, our Lord is the God of Freedom who is relied upon for guidance through our struggles and through the delays of life. There is an acceptance that we may never reach the destination and a prayer that our children will.

I haven't even heard the song yet, but I think it's beautiful.

Day of Atonement

My hunger was manageable today.  That's really saying something considering that I worked out this morning and the rest of my family "oohed" and "ahhed" over homemade fajitas tonight for supper. (It probably helped that I was in meeting while they ate.)

I've been doing some research on the festivals, feasts, and celebrations in the bible. Today I was reading about The Day of Atonement...more commonly known here as Yom Kippur.

This day is the holiest of day of the Jewish year. But is also very solemn because it is about atoning for the sin of the people. The ritual is elaborate and you can read about it in detail in Leviticus 16.

However, it's been on my mind because it got me thinking about the fact that Israel was concerned not only with personal sin but also with the sin of the nation. They obviously took responsibility for the sin that was committed corporately by the people.

Wow. We are so not like that. The western world is all about independence and personal choice.

We are lucky to find people in our culture who will take responsibility for themselves much less the choices of our government and the "people" as a whole.

What makes this particularly ironic is that we live in a democracy where our government represents our choices. This would not have been the case back in those ancient days.

What would a Day of Atonement look like for us? If Americans rose up together to accept responsibility for the wrongs that we have done as a nation (internally and externally), what would that look like?

Yes, I know we've also done great things! And I believe that we have taken the time to pat ourselves on the back many, many times for those things. I am a grateful American and so glad that I live in this country, but we fall way short of being perfect.

Do we have too much national pride to admit that we have even done any wrong?  Do you see the excesses here and the poverty and suffering that pervade many areas of the rest of the world? Or is this not your problem...not our problem?

In fact, how many Americans don't even realize that our pride is sinful? Instead we celebrate our pride like it's a good thing...a great thing.

Once upon a time were the people of Babylon or Greece so full of pride? What about those who were part of the Roman Empire?

We've been warned.

Life is a Journey

No change in my weight this week. Interesting.

Is my metabolism really only burning calories at a rate of 500-600 calories per day? I wonder how long it will take to get my metabolism up to a healthy rate when I'm eating normal food again. 

Yesterday I took my daughter on a college visit. It made the fact that she will begin a new chapter in her life soon seem very, very real.  

As they asked her questions about her future, it was obvious that the answers to many of them are still quite unclear. 

What will your major be? Uhm...pre-med or communications, I think.

Are you interested in Greek life? I don't know much about it so I'm not sure.

Are you looking at other schools? Yes.  (The only clear answer was one that indicated uncertainty.)

We have only about 6 1/2 months to figure it out. At that point, scholarships will be offered to others if she doesn't commit.

Will she know where and how and what in that short period of time??

As we visited with the band director, he told us about a trophy that they have in memory of a past student. Jeremy majored in music education. He was sure about his future and prepared for it with passion for four years. While student teaching, he got sick. Although he was able to complete the requirements to get his final credits, he died prior to graduation.

It seems to us as we think about this young life lost, that Jeremy spent his time preparing but never accomplished anything. That's because we way too often view life as the destination rather than the journey.

Whatever Jeremy was put on this earth to accomplish, he did accomplish.

During this time in his life which we usually associate with transition, I hope he saw it differently and lived each day.  Really lived each day.

Don't overlook today in your rush for tomorrow. Live it.

I Got To...

I got to preach this morning.

I can't tell you what an honor it is to be used in this way...to have the privilege of sharing the Word of God with others. It's a strange thing. On each of the three opportunities that I've had to preach, I have felt a tremendous amount of "heaviness" prior to Sunday morning. Particularly on Saturday.

It's not heaviness like the pressure I've felt to score well on an exam or to perform well on a speech, but a mental and spiritual heaviness that reminds me of the weightiness of God's message for each of us.

Although I pray through the whole process asking the Holy Spirit to provide me with the message, guide my words, and guide the hearts of the listeners, I understand (and take very seriously) the warning given by James to those who would answer to the call to be teachers of God's Word.

I also got to visit a few of our members in the hospital on Friday.  What a privilege to enter into a private place of healing and pray with someone who needs God's healing, comfort, and strength.  Some of my favorite conversations with fellow brothers and sisters have taken place in that sterile environment in the presence of God.  (Where two or more are gathered...)

I got to visit with young college students about Christ this past week.

I got to serve Holy Communion last Sunday while several of our members said those familiar phrases, (Christ's body/blood broke/shed for you.) in their home languages--seven different languages!

I got to help setup our recently renovated fellowship hall for the upcoming auction to benefit our missionary to Honduras while visiting with the other volunteers and occasionally picking up my friend's little girl who happens to like me...and honors me by wanting my attention.

I got to grow in grace as I experienced hunger for another week and gained new insights into this suffering.

Serving my God is not a chore, it's a privilege.

I am so grateful that I get to do it.

Long, Dark Tunnel

We spent yesterday watching our senior daughter march in her last marching festival.  It has become an annual tradition to go spend the day watching the bands showcase their hard work.

I had half of my daily serving before we left (it is my habit to eat half at lunch and the other half at dinner) but didn't pack any for the road.  Knowing that I wouldn't be able to heat it, I felt that it would just be best to eat when we got home.

At about 5:30, though, a couple came and sat in front of us with fat juicy burgers and homemade fries.  Ugh!

By 6:30, I was ready to leave. And I cried through my family's meal at our traditional stop on marching festival days--Vista Drive-In. The rest of the evening was not pretty.

When we got home about an hour and a half later, I made up a batch of Numana and finally had the second 1/2 of my daily serving.

But my mind was already in that bad place.

I read something recently about fasting that said that our inner struggle and suffering during fasting affects our behavior to reveal our true selves and to show us areas that we need to improve in our lives.  If this is true, I don't like my true self much...if at all.

It's almost like I want everyone around me to be as miserable as I am. I find that I am argumentative and confrontational. Little things get turned into big things. Small worries become overwhelming barriers.

Honestly, it scares me when I get like this.

In my past I have found myself in that long black tunnel of depression. These hours of despair that I have wrestled with throughout this project feel like a compact but magnified version of that same tunnel.

There is no light.  It seems there is no way out. In fact, I'm unable to see past the emotions, fears, and anxiety that have me in their grasp during those times.

Scary.

However, with this project I am able to eat something, crawl in my comfy bed, go to sleep and wake up to a new day.  And I know that this is temporary.  I know that this suffering has a bigger purpose. I can see past the despair today.

In a depression, the solution isn't that simple.

In starving counties, that solution (all of it--the meal, the comfy bed, the good night's sleep, and a more hopeful day) is non-existent.

I can't imagine feeling like I felt last night every single day. It's crushing and beyond my ability to explain in a way to make you understand.

Will this project really end for me when it's over? I can't imagine that these glimpses of hunger that have been revealed to me through this project haven't changed my life forever.

The Truth

I'm always cold.

Last night as I was walking to the vehicle after the football game, I realized that my toes were totally numb.  I couldn't feel them at all.  But the lowest the temperature got was only in the lower 50's!

When I got home I took of my shoes and socks to find that those little digits were white along with the first half inch of my foot.  I got into a hot shower (which was torture to my hands and toes!) which eventually turned into a hot bath.  

This was not a side-effect that I was anticipating.

On my previous post I mentioned how we are sometimes blind to God's Truth. But this morning I want to talk about that a little more.

We live in a world that bombards us with postmodern ideology. Postmodernism asserts that everything is relative and that there is no absolute truth. In fact, you get to determine "your truth".  

And that's not true.

Sadly, Oprah and Deepak Chopra are popular poster children for luring huge numbers of people to this belief.  And it is a belief system. 

You should know that both Deepak and Oprah deny that Jesus Christ is the Way, the Truth, or the Life.

It is a dangerous ministry in which Oprah and Deepak are engaged.  (The links above will take you to some interesting video of both.)  Don't buy it!

There is truth.

Ravi Zacharias, one of my favorite Christian apologists, offers three tests to determine whether or not something is true:

I suggest that there are three tests to which any system or statement  that makes a claim to truth must be subjected as a preliminary requirement if that statement is to be considered meaningful for debate. Those tests are (1) logical consistency, (2) empirical adequacy, and (3) experiential relevance. 

These three tests provide a high degree of confidence that as they are applied to a system of belief, truth or falsehood can be established. The truth claims of Christianity, Hinduism, Buddhism, Islam or atheism must all meet these tests. Is there a logical consistency in what is stated? Is there empirical adequacy where its truth claims can be tested? Is there experiential relevance – does it apply meaningfully to my life? 

--Ravi Zacharias, Can Man Live Without God?

Seek the truth. Never be afraid to seek answers when you have doubts. If the Bible is true, we should never have ANY fear in seeking the truth.

Because when you find it...you will find Jesus.

Get it? Got it. Good!

It was a nice, lazy day for my kids today while the teachers were in training. I think they thoroughly enjoyed it...and I'm pretty sure they all got a nap in.

I also took a nap today. Late nights and early mornings can only continue for so long.  We all need an earlier bedtime to be honest.

It was another good day regarding food.  Hunger did not dictate my mood at all.  Yay!

While at work this morning, I found out that my youngest daughter stepped forward last night at a big youth event to give her life to Christ.

Some people might question that. But she was baptized as a baby? Didn't she go through confirmation classes just a few years ago? Why would she feel the need to do that when she's already professed to be a Christian?

Well...sometimes it takes a while before we truly get it.

I will never forget the morning I was sitting in an adult Sunday School class in the small town in which we lived for a decade.  I think there were probably about 8 other people (average age of 65) and me.

The leader of the class that morning was talking about grace...and how we are saved by this wonderful, but free, gift from God.

And I got it.

In fact, I about came out of my chair.  "You mean, we aren't saved by our actions?!  God just gives us salvation as a free gift?!"  I asked those questions multiple times in multiple ways while everyone else at the table nodded their heads.  I was blown away.

How old was I? At least 30. What? Was this the first time you ever attended a church? No. I was raised in a church where I'm quite sure they explained this multiple times...but I never got it.

The same could be said for my call to ministry.  When God opened my heart and mind to His Truths, I was hooked.  In fact, over the last few years my life has changed in ways that have been simultaneously terrifying and exhilarating as I have worked to answer His call on my life.  But the lives of my husband and children have also necessarily changed as they have fully supported this journey...even through the required sacrifices.

And they have sacrificed.

Why does this happen? Well, I have a theory. I think that God reveals things to us in His time and not necessarily in our time.  Even when exposed, if God is not ready for us to develop an understanding, I believe that He blinds our eyes or hardens our hearts until the timing will be perfect.  His timing.

Better late than never, right? So, it took my baby girl a little longer to get it.

I'm just glad she did!

About Last Sunday

I'm so grateful that I've had a few days here in a row that hunger hasn't been overwhelming.  Maybe just adding a couple of cups of juice a day was enough to take the edge off. It seems that my body has adjusted to this sudden influx of sugar. I really do think that this is what caused my mood swings over the weekend.

And maybe I should address that a little bit.

I don't know how to explain my state of mind on Sunday. I was irrational and inconsolable.  About what, you ask?  About everything.

First, some minor distractions in our church service that morning caused way more issues in my spirit than they should have. I was in no state of mind to be worshiping God. Of course, every issue that came up I was able to blame on myself.  You know..."I should've done this or I should've done that." I could really feel how this internal dialogue brought me to a place where I was no longer seeking God's face...but spiritually punching my own.

Once I got home I decided that I was not going to just rest. The house was in dire need of a cleaning. So I recruited four unwilling cleaners--my husband and three kids.

This did not go well.

Not only was I a grouchy and demanding slave-driver, but I also robbed my family of their day of rest...which they all, wait...WE all, really needed.

Finally, I was overwhelmed with the tasks that I knew lay ahead of me this week. With a tough quiz due early in the week, meetings on Monday and Tuesday evenings, a class to facilitate on Wednesday evening, along with a full week of ministry and homework, I also had a sermon to prepare for Sunday. Thinking about all of these things made my head want to explode.

And, of course, I was obsessively thinking about them.

(By the way, do you think that Satan takes advantage of these times of weakness in our lives. I think you can bank on it. Any little chink that he can find in our armor--and I seriously mean armor--will be completely exploited by him and his demons.)

Then I sat down to write my blog--exhausted, completely stressed out, very hungry, mentally beaten-up through self-inflicted negative self-talk, and feeling like a failure. Not too mention an obvious sugar issue that exacerbated all of it.

I would write something and think, "You can't say that!" It is very easy to project your negative feeling onto others. I was angry.

Angry that so few seem to care about this issue. Angry that we have it so good while others are suffering daily.  Angry at God for leading me to start this project. Angry at myself for failing to carry out this project in a way that would be meaningful.

So, I typed...and deleted...and cried...and typed...and sobbed...and deleted for a couple of hours (like I had nothing better to do!) before I finally gave up.

Then I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with fresh tears.

We can't push God away. It's impossible. Even when we don't feel God is near, He is. Even when our prayers are just ugly yells, He refuses to leave us.

God didn't move...I did. And I realized it.

I'm amazed by my body and brain's responses to changes in my diet and hunger.  We certainly are delicate creatures. Can I imagine a lifetime of this? It's no wonder that there is anger and hopelessness in starving nations around the world.

Monday began by listening to a podcast of one of my favorite preachers bring the Word while I got some exercise.  That's all it took to turn my face back toward God. Just open the Word. Just pray.

He's waiting for you.

Only When Necessary

I knew it was going to be a good day when Bruce woke me at 5:00 with "Glory Days" followed by my oldest daughter knocking on the door to get me up to go work out.  Exercise always makes the day go better.

I felt good today...strong even.

That's saying something when you realize that I made caramel apples with the kids after school! Sometimes things like that are enough to put me over the edge.

I've been working on my sermon for Sunday.  It's on the biblical concept that we are all called to be in ministry.

That doesn't mean that you are expected to run out and quit your job and start going to seminary.  But, no matter what your job is, you should be serving others on a regular basis using your gifts, abilities,  passions, and prior experiences.

Although many people do this by serving in their churches, they are missing the boat if they are not also serving outside of their churches.

Most people immediately equate this with "volunteering". And volunteering is a wonderful way to be in service to others. But you can also be in ministry by raising your children to know and love God, having a conversation with your neighbor in which the Holy Spirit prompts you to share the Gospel, or even writing a blog.  :)

Each of us should have a personal ministry where we intentionally reach out to others based on our specific and unique set of gifts. This isn't always through our words, but through our actions. In fact, Francis of Assisi is famously quoted as saying:

Keep in mind that God created you with inborn gifts and talents, blessed you with others who helped you develop specific abilities, and guided you through the experiences in your life that have led you to this point right now. You are the only person in the world who is that specific combination that defines who you are.

And God has a specific plan that involves YOU. You are the only person who can reach certain other people in this world. If you are a Christian, the Holy Spirit is calling you to your task.

Are you listening?

Even more importantly...

are you answering?