About Last Sunday

I'm so grateful that I've had a few days here in a row that hunger hasn't been overwhelming.  Maybe just adding a couple of cups of juice a day was enough to take the edge off. It seems that my body has adjusted to this sudden influx of sugar. I really do think that this is what caused my mood swings over the weekend.

And maybe I should address that a little bit.

I don't know how to explain my state of mind on Sunday. I was irrational and inconsolable.  About what, you ask?  About everything.

First, some minor distractions in our church service that morning caused way more issues in my spirit than they should have. I was in no state of mind to be worshiping God. Of course, every issue that came up I was able to blame on myself.  You know..."I should've done this or I should've done that." I could really feel how this internal dialogue brought me to a place where I was no longer seeking God's face...but spiritually punching my own.

Once I got home I decided that I was not going to just rest. The house was in dire need of a cleaning. So I recruited four unwilling cleaners--my husband and three kids.

This did not go well.

Not only was I a grouchy and demanding slave-driver, but I also robbed my family of their day of rest...which they all, wait...WE all, really needed.

Finally, I was overwhelmed with the tasks that I knew lay ahead of me this week. With a tough quiz due early in the week, meetings on Monday and Tuesday evenings, a class to facilitate on Wednesday evening, along with a full week of ministry and homework, I also had a sermon to prepare for Sunday. Thinking about all of these things made my head want to explode.

And, of course, I was obsessively thinking about them.

(By the way, do you think that Satan takes advantage of these times of weakness in our lives. I think you can bank on it. Any little chink that he can find in our armor--and I seriously mean armor--will be completely exploited by him and his demons.)

Then I sat down to write my blog--exhausted, completely stressed out, very hungry, mentally beaten-up through self-inflicted negative self-talk, and feeling like a failure. Not too mention an obvious sugar issue that exacerbated all of it.

I would write something and think, "You can't say that!" It is very easy to project your negative feeling onto others. I was angry.

Angry that so few seem to care about this issue. Angry that we have it so good while others are suffering daily.  Angry at God for leading me to start this project. Angry at myself for failing to carry out this project in a way that would be meaningful.

So, I typed...and deleted...and cried...and typed...and sobbed...and deleted for a couple of hours (like I had nothing better to do!) before I finally gave up.

Then I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with fresh tears.

We can't push God away. It's impossible. Even when we don't feel God is near, He is. Even when our prayers are just ugly yells, He refuses to leave us.

God didn't move...I did. And I realized it.

I'm amazed by my body and brain's responses to changes in my diet and hunger.  We certainly are delicate creatures. Can I imagine a lifetime of this? It's no wonder that there is anger and hopelessness in starving nations around the world.

Monday began by listening to a podcast of one of my favorite preachers bring the Word while I got some exercise.  That's all it took to turn my face back toward God. Just open the Word. Just pray.

He's waiting for you.

Obstacles...Seen and Unseen

I'm not a morning person.  Yet, here I am up early again this morning.  Why?  Bruce woke me up again.  This morning's 5am alarm was Springsteen's angry anthem, "Born in the USA".  Wow.

My biggest fear yesterday was that I would unconsciously pop something in my mouth without thinking.  I didn't.  I carried a water bottle with me most of the day.

When I came home after work, our "I am Second" bracelets were waiting for me.  The kids are wearing them, also.  My family's support is crucial to my success.  I know I am blessed in that area.

Then I took the kids to get haircuts.  On the way, I noticed that my elbow was bothering me.  Upon closer inspection, I realized that something had bit me--something with fangs.  These fang holes are a good 2mm apart, and there are two sets.  By the time we got to the hair stylist's, a large red feverish 2-inch circle enclosed them.

Great.

There have been articles in papers all over Kansas about the large number of spiders this year--in particular, Brown Recluse.  That may sound a bit paranoid; however, my husband has found several both at work and in our home even though our home has been sprayed specifically for spiders.

As I looked over this big red welt, my mind wasn't thinking as much about the type of spider that bit me as it was thinking about spiritual warfare.  Now, I don't know that Satan is responsible for my spider bites.  However, I do know that it is possible.  Why now?  Because I'm trying to make an impact on others.

Angels and demons?  Don't be ridiculous.

It is so hard to believe in those things we can't see.  Yet we are told over and over again in the Bible that they are real.  In fact, we are made up of body, spirit, and soul.  If you have a spirit, why is it so hard to believe that there are other spirits?  We know so very little about our world...our reality.  Yet, we think we know so much.

Let me ask you, if I professed to be a Christian but didn't live my life for Christ and rested in the false security that going to church each Sunday was somehow equivalent to faith--would Satan mess with me?  No need.  He would already have me.  It's those who live their faith that must fight this spiritual battle on a regular basis.  

So, if you were Satan (Remember, he is NOT God's equal.  He is not omniscient, omnipotent, or omnipresent.) with limited resources and abilities, who would you target for temptation and destruction?

I believe that those who must be the most on guard are those who are reaching out.  My piddly efforts may be bigger than some, but they don't compare to many, many others.  Billy Graham describes it as "living in a perpetual battlefield." (Angels, 1995)

In his letter to the people of Ephesus, the Apostle Paul says, "For our struggle is not against flesh and blood,but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." (Ephesians 6:12, NIV)

The spider bites look better this morning.  All is well.  But I do feel like I've received fair warning to be on the lookout.

This journey is not going to be easy.