Just Go On

Feeling overwhelmed tonight. There is too much on my figurative plate and not enough on my literal plate!

I haven't really talked about some of the physical pain that has accompanied this project...but I first noticed it in those very first weeks when I was away at seminary.

When I sleep at night I don't toss and turn nearly as much as I did prior to the project starting. I have to wonder if this is due to my lack of energy. Instead, I sleep in one position until the pain of it wakes me up. That whole side will ache. Deeply. It feels like every joint is aching on that side in my arm, hip, and leg. When I roll over it slowly goes away.

That is until it starts up on the other side and wakes me up again.  Usually I only wake one or two times in the night. But the longer I've been on that side, the more intense the pain.  

I originally thought this was due to sleeping on a strange bed in the dorm, but it continued when I got home.

Of course, the quick and dramatic weight loss (even if you remove the lack of calories and nutrition factor) must have consequences for my joints and bones as they are having to adapt to a different frame.

In fact, I went clothes shopping today. My clothes were just hanging on me. I was wearing size 18w but the clothes I bought today were size 12. I made myself fold up the XXL and XL clothes that were hanging in the closet so that I would quit putting them on.

One cannot know me without noticing my weight loss. And many people have commented on it in the last couple of weeks. Although many of my friends follow and support this journey, most are unaware that I have taken on this project. It's been a very personal journey for me..even though it has a very public aspect to it.

So, I'll be sharing about this personal, short-term ministry next Sunday at church. I'm praying that there is enough interest in this community to hold a food packaging event in the spring. Your prayers are appreciated.

It's seems funny to me that many people just think I've been dieting. When I look in the mirror, I can see that this weight loss has not been a healthy thing. I don't look healthy. Yes, I look thinner...but the two are not synonymous.  

What I see when I look in the mirror are sunken, sad eyes with dark rings. I see dry skin and lifeless hair. For the first time in my life, I see wrinkles. And I know that this project has physically, mentally, and emotionally aged me.

Earlier I was looking through pictures of extreme starvation. Sometimes it leaves me feeling intensely distraught. Tonight was one of those nights.

I had the strong desire to post one of those grisly pictures on the facebook page with the caption, "Just go on with your daily life. Apparently this isn't your problem." Yes, that's cynical sarcasm.

That's how I feel. It's so much easier for us to just ignore it. It infuriates me. But I realize that this is because I am dealing with it internally every day.

So I posted a silly comic with Garfield making a comment about hunger...typical American-style "hunger".  I thought it would be a little easier to digest.

I realize that there are many, many problems in this world...and that hunger is just one of them. But it is one of them that we can be doing something about.

Please consider doing something about it.

About Last Sunday

I'm so grateful that I've had a few days here in a row that hunger hasn't been overwhelming.  Maybe just adding a couple of cups of juice a day was enough to take the edge off. It seems that my body has adjusted to this sudden influx of sugar. I really do think that this is what caused my mood swings over the weekend.

And maybe I should address that a little bit.

I don't know how to explain my state of mind on Sunday. I was irrational and inconsolable.  About what, you ask?  About everything.

First, some minor distractions in our church service that morning caused way more issues in my spirit than they should have. I was in no state of mind to be worshiping God. Of course, every issue that came up I was able to blame on myself.  You know..."I should've done this or I should've done that." I could really feel how this internal dialogue brought me to a place where I was no longer seeking God's face...but spiritually punching my own.

Once I got home I decided that I was not going to just rest. The house was in dire need of a cleaning. So I recruited four unwilling cleaners--my husband and three kids.

This did not go well.

Not only was I a grouchy and demanding slave-driver, but I also robbed my family of their day of rest...which they all, wait...WE all, really needed.

Finally, I was overwhelmed with the tasks that I knew lay ahead of me this week. With a tough quiz due early in the week, meetings on Monday and Tuesday evenings, a class to facilitate on Wednesday evening, along with a full week of ministry and homework, I also had a sermon to prepare for Sunday. Thinking about all of these things made my head want to explode.

And, of course, I was obsessively thinking about them.

(By the way, do you think that Satan takes advantage of these times of weakness in our lives. I think you can bank on it. Any little chink that he can find in our armor--and I seriously mean armor--will be completely exploited by him and his demons.)

Then I sat down to write my blog--exhausted, completely stressed out, very hungry, mentally beaten-up through self-inflicted negative self-talk, and feeling like a failure. Not too mention an obvious sugar issue that exacerbated all of it.

I would write something and think, "You can't say that!" It is very easy to project your negative feeling onto others. I was angry.

Angry that so few seem to care about this issue. Angry that we have it so good while others are suffering daily.  Angry at God for leading me to start this project. Angry at myself for failing to carry out this project in a way that would be meaningful.

So, I typed...and deleted...and cried...and typed...and sobbed...and deleted for a couple of hours (like I had nothing better to do!) before I finally gave up.

Then I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with fresh tears.

We can't push God away. It's impossible. Even when we don't feel God is near, He is. Even when our prayers are just ugly yells, He refuses to leave us.

God didn't move...I did. And I realized it.

I'm amazed by my body and brain's responses to changes in my diet and hunger.  We certainly are delicate creatures. Can I imagine a lifetime of this? It's no wonder that there is anger and hopelessness in starving nations around the world.

Monday began by listening to a podcast of one of my favorite preachers bring the Word while I got some exercise.  That's all it took to turn my face back toward God. Just open the Word. Just pray.

He's waiting for you.