I'm so grateful that I've had a few days here in a row that hunger hasn't been overwhelming. Maybe just adding a couple of cups of juice a day was enough to take the edge off. It seems that my body has adjusted to this sudden influx of sugar. I really do think that this is what caused my mood swings over the weekend.
And maybe I should address that a little bit.
I don't know how to explain my state of mind on Sunday. I was irrational and inconsolable. About what, you ask? About everything.
First, some minor distractions in our church service that morning caused way more issues in my spirit than they should have. I was in no state of mind to be worshiping God. Of course, every issue that came up I was able to blame on myself. You know..."I should've done this or I should've done that." I could really feel how this internal dialogue brought me to a place where I was no longer seeking God's face...but spiritually punching my own.
Once I got home I decided that I was not going to just rest. The house was in dire need of a cleaning. So I recruited four unwilling cleaners--my husband and three kids. This did not go well.
Not only was I a grouchy and demanding slave-driver, but I also robbed my family of their day of rest...which they all, wait...WE all, really needed.
Finally, I was overwhelmed with the tasks that I knew lay ahead of me this week. With a tough quiz due early in the week, meetings on Monday and Tuesday evenings, a class to facilitate on Wednesday evening, along with a full week of ministry and homework, I also had a sermon to prepare for Sunday. Thinking about all of these things made my head want to explode.
And, of course, I was obsessively thinking about them.
(By the way, do you think that Satan takes advantage of these times of weakness in our lives. I think you can bank on it. Any little chink that he can find in our armor--and I seriously mean armor--will be completely exploited by him and his demons.)Then I sat down to write my blog--exhausted, completely stressed out, very hungry, mentally beaten-up through self-inflicted negative self-talk, and feeling like a failure. Not too mention an obvious sugar issue that exacerbated all of it.
I would write something and think, "You can't say that!" It is very easy to project your negative feeling onto others. I was angry.
Angry that so few seem to care about this issue. Angry that we have it so good while others are suffering daily. Angry at God for leading me to start this project. Angry at myself for failing to carry out this project in a way that would be meaningful.
So, I typed...and deleted...and cried...and typed...and sobbed...and deleted for a couple of hours (like I had nothing better to do!) before I finally gave up.
Then I cried myself to sleep and woke up the next morning with fresh tears.
We can't push God away. It's impossible. Even when we don't feel God is near, He is. Even when our prayers are just ugly yells, He refuses to leave us.
God didn't move...I did. And I realized it.
I'm amazed by my body and brain's responses to changes in my diet and hunger. We certainly are delicate creatures. Can I imagine a lifetime of this? It's no wonder that there is anger and hopelessness in starving nations around the world.
Monday began by listening to a podcast of one of my favorite preachers bring the Word while I got some exercise. That's all it took to turn my face back toward God. Just open the Word. Just pray.
He's waiting for you.
