Just Go On

Feeling overwhelmed tonight. There is too much on my figurative plate and not enough on my literal plate!

I haven't really talked about some of the physical pain that has accompanied this project...but I first noticed it in those very first weeks when I was away at seminary.

When I sleep at night I don't toss and turn nearly as much as I did prior to the project starting. I have to wonder if this is due to my lack of energy. Instead, I sleep in one position until the pain of it wakes me up. That whole side will ache. Deeply. It feels like every joint is aching on that side in my arm, hip, and leg. When I roll over it slowly goes away.

That is until it starts up on the other side and wakes me up again.  Usually I only wake one or two times in the night. But the longer I've been on that side, the more intense the pain.  

I originally thought this was due to sleeping on a strange bed in the dorm, but it continued when I got home.

Of course, the quick and dramatic weight loss (even if you remove the lack of calories and nutrition factor) must have consequences for my joints and bones as they are having to adapt to a different frame.

In fact, I went clothes shopping today. My clothes were just hanging on me. I was wearing size 18w but the clothes I bought today were size 12. I made myself fold up the XXL and XL clothes that were hanging in the closet so that I would quit putting them on.

One cannot know me without noticing my weight loss. And many people have commented on it in the last couple of weeks. Although many of my friends follow and support this journey, most are unaware that I have taken on this project. It's been a very personal journey for me..even though it has a very public aspect to it.

So, I'll be sharing about this personal, short-term ministry next Sunday at church. I'm praying that there is enough interest in this community to hold a food packaging event in the spring. Your prayers are appreciated.

It's seems funny to me that many people just think I've been dieting. When I look in the mirror, I can see that this weight loss has not been a healthy thing. I don't look healthy. Yes, I look thinner...but the two are not synonymous.  

What I see when I look in the mirror are sunken, sad eyes with dark rings. I see dry skin and lifeless hair. For the first time in my life, I see wrinkles. And I know that this project has physically, mentally, and emotionally aged me.

Earlier I was looking through pictures of extreme starvation. Sometimes it leaves me feeling intensely distraught. Tonight was one of those nights.

I had the strong desire to post one of those grisly pictures on the facebook page with the caption, "Just go on with your daily life. Apparently this isn't your problem." Yes, that's cynical sarcasm.

That's how I feel. It's so much easier for us to just ignore it. It infuriates me. But I realize that this is because I am dealing with it internally every day.

So I posted a silly comic with Garfield making a comment about hunger...typical American-style "hunger".  I thought it would be a little easier to digest.

I realize that there are many, many problems in this world...and that hunger is just one of them. But it is one of them that we can be doing something about.

Please consider doing something about it.

Shameless Audacity

The easy days seem to be behind me.  I have been so hungry today that it is painful and kind of nauseating.

My day was packed full.  After a busy morning of taking care of business at home and making a hospital visit, I got to meet some great college kids at a discovery fair.  Then I picked up my own kids, dropped them off at home, packed four daily servings in a cooler, distributed hugs and kisses to everyone, and headed to KC for a Leadership Institute.  

I was doing pretty good until sitting in the car for 3 hours.  Once we got here everyone went out to enjoy dinner.  This was the first time I couldn't bear to go along and just sit and drink my ice water.  I just couldn't do it.  

After heating and eating a serving down in the lobby, I climbed into bed to listen to my Greek lecture.  Now the lecture is over and I'm already hungry again.

This is definitely new.  Apparently my body is panicking a bit and realizing that reserves are getting smaller with no additional calories in sight.

Will there be another ebb?  Will I get any periods of relief between now and day 109?

But this is temporary.  Day 110 will come.  I'm strong and healthy...blessed.

This morning I was talking to a friend of mine who is going through a trying time with her health.  She said something like, "I have asked God and asked God for healing over the years and He has been very generous to me.  I have had a good life.  How can I keep asking him for more?  I feel that I am being selfish and that maybe I should just accept my health and quit asking for more favors."

Do you feel like that?  Do you wonder if you're being selfish when you ask God to heal or help you in any way...especially if you've seen the fruit of those prayers and know that God has been generous?  

Well don't.  

The book of Luke tells us that Jesus taught us to pray.  You've heard this prayer before.  It's the Lord's Prayer (Our Father, who art in heaven...).  Then right after that we are told a parable.  Take a look:

Then Jesus said to them, “Suppose you have a friend, and you go to him at midnight and say, ‘Friend, lend me three loaves of bread; a friend of mine on a journey has come to me, and I have no food to offer him.’ 

And suppose the one inside answers, ‘Don’t bother me. The door is already locked, and my children and I are in bed. I can’t get up and give you anything.’ 

I tell you, even though he will not get up and give you the bread because of friendship, yet because of your shameless audacity he will surely get up and give you as much as you need.  --Luke 11:5-8

On top of all of that, we are next given this little gem.

Shameless audacity.

God wants you to seek him boldly and without shame!  Don't stop your praying.

Ask, seek, knock...and receive.

Pain and Suffering

Full day.  Finished my final paper for my summer class and had two meetings this afternoon and evening.

I'm beat.

Although I felt good today, I certainly can tell that I require more sleep.  I need to make time to get to the gym tomorrow to help with my energy level.  But right now, I'm just ready to hit the pillow.

I was invited today to participate in a showing of and conversation about "Nefarious" with a bunch of college kids later this month.  Although I am excited about the opportunity, I dread the emotions that I will feel during and after the documentary film.

Hunger is a very real issue that involves pain and suffering, but so is human trafficking.  It's a very different kind of pain and suffering for sure. This world is so full of hurt.  Unbearable hurt.

I'll share more about this with you after the viewing.  Take a minute to check out the website and be aware that this is not just someone else's problem, it's happening right here in Kansas.

Gloomy stuff...sorry.  I think I can find the energy to take the time to go hug my kids before bed.

I need it.