Life in our Cocoons

The highlight of my day? Grocery shopping!

Has anyone every told you that you should never go shopping when you're hungry? Ha! If it was on sale and I've ever been hungry for it in the last three months, it went in my cart. I think we're stocked up for a while.

I usually weigh only on Mondays but I weighed today just out of curiosity. My body has shed exactly 60 pounds in 3 months. I also got back the lab from my last blood draw and posted them.

I will keep weighing in...now on Fridays. (I'll give myself a good week of eating normal, but healthy, food and substituting one daily serving of Numana for one meal each day.) At the end of November, I will also get my blood drawn again to make sure that the anemia is steadily improving.

What an experience.

You know, last night's post was one of my most read ever. Interestingly, only one person commented on it. One. Some of the messages of the Bible are not so fun to hear.

As a child, I remember the commercials that were on TV hosted by Sally Struthers. I know I didn't think much about it then. However, I don't think my children will be so blind or nonchalant about this issue throughout their lives.

It is so much easier to live life in our own little cocoons. But as Christians, we can't do that.

A heard a woman at the church the other day say, "Well, as long as you're happy.  God wants you to be happy."

Really? Jesus doesn't say a darn thing about the importance of your happiness in any of the Gospel accounts. Quite the opposite.

Do you know what?  It's not about you at all.

And the sooner we get that...the better.

Simply the Title Page

Sometimes the words just don't come.

As I sit here tonight trying to come up with some words to share with you, I find that I'm struggling with the fact that the intensive part of this project is ending in a rather non-climactic way.

(Interesting side note:  The song that woke me up on the first day of this project, woke me up again today.  I'm very curious about what it will be tomorrow on the last day.)

Going into this I had high hopes to raise awareness and make a difference. Even though I'm not seeing the "fruit" of this project, I know that I planted some seeds. I pray that some of them landed in some fertile soil.

As for me, this experience has affected me in many ways.

For example, (and this was completely unexpected) I find that I am disgusted by the waste and excess in our culture. I am particularly offended by shameless boasting about that abundance. There are so many unmet needs out there in the world.

How do we reconcile that in our own minds? I can't.  How will we reconcile that with God? Well, God, I just really, really wanted that $75,000 car and $500,000 house...and knew you would understand that my wants should come before the needs of others.

Really? Will He?

Take a look at Matthew 19:16-26:

Just then a man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”

“Why do you ask me about what is good?”Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”  (Here Jesus is pointing out to the young man that he doesn't even understand what "good" is! The whole Old Testament proved to us that nobody can be "good" enough.  We are all sinners...even the very best of us fall way short.)

“Which ones?” he inquired.

Jesus replied,“‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’ 

“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?” (Ha! This young man thinks pretty highly of himself!)

Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”  (Oof!)

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. 

Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.” 

When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?” Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

Notice that Jesus points out that it is impossible for a rich man to save himself...however, he also makes it clear that "with God all things are possible".  Yes, all Christians have been blessed by the gift of grace...even the rich ones.

However, if you have treasure here, it will still be right here when you are gone. But, if you give it away now, you will have treasure in heaven.

As Christians, shouldn't we be blessing others with our gifts?

Yes. Sacrificially.

Our time here is short...simply the title page of the book. All of your treasure is worthless as of page 2 if you don't use what was entrusted to you to help others.

HOPE

This is going to be the longest three days ever.

It was a full and busy day, though, and that helps.  I also took a nap after work which I really didn't have time to do, but I'm so darn tired.

However, this evening I had a feeling of hope and a sense of looking forward to the future for the first time in a while.  I didn't even realize that I was missing that feeling.  Logically, I've always looked forward to the future...but it's different to feel that hope.

So glad that it's back!

Executive Privilege

It's scary how quickly the symptoms of malnutrition have become evident in the last several days.

I noticed a few days ago that my teeth looked like they had blue/gray in them. Actually, I just ignored it thinking it was juice stains or something.  However, after doing some research it seems to be related to the anemia. The discoloration is internal and not external.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling to concentrate and think. This morning as I taught a Sunday School class I was embarrassed when I completely lost my train of thought in the middle of asking a question.  Although it came back to me in a few seconds, it was a scary feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I've lost my train of thought before...but this was different. I felt lost and confused.

The hunger is also constant now.  Up until a few days ago, when I woke up I felt fine. It seemed as if my digestive system just shut down while I slept resulting in a period of relief in the mornings until I ate my first 1/2 serving.  Now I wake up hungry and, even after eating a half serving, stay hungry.

The anger/grouchiness also rarely subsides. But I can pinpoint it now and it doesn't start in my head. It comes from a feeling of discomfort in my body. I felt this discomfort even early in the project but wasn't able to connect it to my feelings of anger until recently.

Scary.

And even though I understand rationally that my anger is coming from something physical and not mental, I'm unable to keep it from affecting my mental state. Does that even make sense to you? It sounds completely bizarre to me, but it's true.

And I am angry almost all of the time. I can't seem to control it. This afternoon I took a long nap (because I'm exhausted) and then spent the late afternoon and evening listening to lectures and completing homework in the solitude of my office where I wouldn't snap at anyone.

I did, however, take the time to plant some tulip bulbs (my favorite!) right after my nap while I was still sane from the needed rest. These tulips signify hope for the future but will also serve as a reminder of the last few days of this journey into hunger.

That's right. I said "last few days".

When I began this project, I promised my husband and children that they could demand that I stop if they saw the need.  Upon waking this morning, my husband invoked his executive privilege. He told me that the time was here.  He said, "I'm moving up your date to eat. It's November 1. You will have completed three months and that's long enough.  Besides that," he said, "you need to have your strength for the Springsteen concert.  The last thing I want is for your to pass out and be carried out on a stretcher rather than enjoying it."

Good point. And I respect this man who has allowed me to experience hunger even though my whole family has paid a price for it.

So...there it is. I believe that I've pushed my body as far as I can. And I'm looking forward to getting healthy again.

Beginning November 1 I will be substituting one meal with one daily serving of Numana while eating normal, healthy meals for the other two regular meals of the day.

Yes, my journey into hunger will be over but my spiritual year-long journey will continue in a way that is still sacrificial and a meaningful reminder to me of all of those in our world who are suffering from the effects of long-term hunger.

THAT Kind of Day

Spent some time today shopping with my youngest kids (13 year old twins) for winter clothes. We don't do back to school shopping. I make them wait until the weather is getting colder. 

Rant #1: Do we really wonder why our teenage boys wear baggy pants? If I were to buy my son jeans that fit him in the waist, they would be way too short. When I buy him jeans that are long enough, they are way too baggy. Which way would you go? Grrr...

Rant #2: Layering. I hate it. This makes me have to buy at least two shirts instead of one for my daughter. Why in the world is this back in style? I care so little about fashion that I don't even know how to match this stuff...nor did I know how to do it back in the 80's. Grrrrrrr...

Yeah. It was that kind of day.

Today was also (obviously) a very hungry day. I'm not sure how much more I can take. But I do know that I want to help anyone who has ever felt this way.

Tired of being angry. Tired of crying. Tired of this helpless feeling that is constantly in my gut.

Going to bed early and praying that tomorrow is a better day.

The Grumpy Factor

We've had a couple of good college visits now...two down and two to go before our little girl makes a decision.

While sitting in the opening session yesterday I missed a call. Later I listened to the voice message in which I was told that my anemia is worse. I know the doctor thinks I must be a complete moron for doing this to myself.

A few months ago when I was first told about this, I started on a multivitamin which includes 100% of the needed daily value of iron. Yesterday, I added iron pills which have 361%. Plus, I drank my first V8 Fusion.  

Eesch...  

But it did include 1 1/2 servings of fruits and vegetables. I think my body is ready for some green, leafy stuff!

So, when we went to the luncheon my brain (stomach?) was screaming, "You really need to eat something! Just eat!" And they were serving salad, green beans, mashed red potatoes, gravy, rolls, and chicken fried steak...with chocolate chip cookie bars and lemon bars for dessert.  

Walking away from that meal was very, very hard. 

Seeing how much food was left over and wondering where it all went was also hard.  

I did a little research and found some symptoms of anemia that I am experiencing:

• Easy fatigue and loss of energy
• Dizziness
• Pale skin
• Leg cramps
• Coldness in hands and feet
• Light-headedness when standing up
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking
• Feeling grumpy

My family is particularly wary of that last one.

Going through this while taking a particularly difficult semester of seminary has been a challenge. I know that my thinking is slow and cloudy. This has not helped the grumpy factor. It is about to drive me crazy that I fumble for the right words and lose my train of thought.

But this is reality. People who are starving don't get to run to the store and buy some iron pills. 

From what I've read, lasting effects come from prolonged and untreated anemia. The decrease in red blood cells means that less oxygen is getting where it needs to go in the body. Although mine will not be prolonged, for many people who are starving this means that they are likely to suffer damage to their heart and brain.

My symptoms are relatively minor and simply bothersome. My anemia isn't severe and life-threatening. Please do not worry.

This post has kept me busy while my family sat together and enjoyed a big breakfast made by my husband---o'brien hash browns, sausage, pancakes, and white queso scrambled eggs.  

Three weeks and counting...

Praying for Clouds

We're taking our daughter on another college visit tomorrow. It's an exciting time in her life...and ours! It is fun to see her hard work in high school pay off.

Can it really be that next year at this time she will have been out of our house for a couple of months?

We're not new to this. We've been through it before.

I remember when our oldest son went off to college. Even though we couldn't imagine life without him in our home, we just adjusted to it one day at a time until it was hard to remember what it was like to have him there every day.

It's sad really. When we are forced into change, we just do it. What once seemed weird...becomes our new "normal".

There was a day not too many years ago when we had four children home and we thought we would never, ever get them raised. It seemed we would be raising them forever. But next year life will change for the second time in this way.

Our babies will never all live at home with us again. There's no obnoxious heavy metal music blaring from the basement every morning...and soon there will be no corny British pop tunes floating up from there either.

(Oh wait...she's trained her younger sister well.  I don't think McFly will be out of the picture quite yet.)

Why didn't I enjoy those days more when they were younger?

Don't get me wrong. I want them to grow up and be self-sufficient. I don't want them to rely on us but to find their own way.

But I'm sad tonight. And I regret the times that I was too busy, too grumpy, too selfish, too preoccupied, too frustrated, too tired, etc., etc., to just enjoy them. To play, talk, laugh, snuggle...as much as I should have.

They grow up fast and we don't get that time back.

Even tonight, as I've written this, I've been impatient with my kids. I suck.

I hope that my kids' memories of growing up with me as their mother are clouded by grace, because I've certainly not been the mom they deserved.