Life in our Cocoons

The highlight of my day? Grocery shopping!

Has anyone every told you that you should never go shopping when you're hungry? Ha! If it was on sale and I've ever been hungry for it in the last three months, it went in my cart. I think we're stocked up for a while.

I usually weigh only on Mondays but I weighed today just out of curiosity. My body has shed exactly 60 pounds in 3 months. I also got back the lab from my last blood draw and posted them.

I will keep weighing in...now on Fridays. (I'll give myself a good week of eating normal, but healthy, food and substituting one daily serving of Numana for one meal each day.) At the end of November, I will also get my blood drawn again to make sure that the anemia is steadily improving.

What an experience.

You know, last night's post was one of my most read ever. Interestingly, only one person commented on it. One. Some of the messages of the Bible are not so fun to hear.

As a child, I remember the commercials that were on TV hosted by Sally Struthers. I know I didn't think much about it then. However, I don't think my children will be so blind or nonchalant about this issue throughout their lives.

It is so much easier to live life in our own little cocoons. But as Christians, we can't do that.

A heard a woman at the church the other day say, "Well, as long as you're happy.  God wants you to be happy."

Really? Jesus doesn't say a darn thing about the importance of your happiness in any of the Gospel accounts. Quite the opposite.

Do you know what?  It's not about you at all.

And the sooner we get that...the better.

Executive Privilege

It's scary how quickly the symptoms of malnutrition have become evident in the last several days.

I noticed a few days ago that my teeth looked like they had blue/gray in them. Actually, I just ignored it thinking it was juice stains or something.  However, after doing some research it seems to be related to the anemia. The discoloration is internal and not external.

I've mentioned before that I have been struggling to concentrate and think. This morning as I taught a Sunday School class I was embarrassed when I completely lost my train of thought in the middle of asking a question.  Although it came back to me in a few seconds, it was a scary feeling.  Don't get me wrong, I've lost my train of thought before...but this was different. I felt lost and confused.

The hunger is also constant now.  Up until a few days ago, when I woke up I felt fine. It seemed as if my digestive system just shut down while I slept resulting in a period of relief in the mornings until I ate my first 1/2 serving.  Now I wake up hungry and, even after eating a half serving, stay hungry.

The anger/grouchiness also rarely subsides. But I can pinpoint it now and it doesn't start in my head. It comes from a feeling of discomfort in my body. I felt this discomfort even early in the project but wasn't able to connect it to my feelings of anger until recently.

Scary.

And even though I understand rationally that my anger is coming from something physical and not mental, I'm unable to keep it from affecting my mental state. Does that even make sense to you? It sounds completely bizarre to me, but it's true.

And I am angry almost all of the time. I can't seem to control it. This afternoon I took a long nap (because I'm exhausted) and then spent the late afternoon and evening listening to lectures and completing homework in the solitude of my office where I wouldn't snap at anyone.

I did, however, take the time to plant some tulip bulbs (my favorite!) right after my nap while I was still sane from the needed rest. These tulips signify hope for the future but will also serve as a reminder of the last few days of this journey into hunger.

That's right. I said "last few days".

When I began this project, I promised my husband and children that they could demand that I stop if they saw the need.  Upon waking this morning, my husband invoked his executive privilege. He told me that the time was here.  He said, "I'm moving up your date to eat. It's November 1. You will have completed three months and that's long enough.  Besides that," he said, "you need to have your strength for the Springsteen concert.  The last thing I want is for your to pass out and be carried out on a stretcher rather than enjoying it."

Good point. And I respect this man who has allowed me to experience hunger even though my whole family has paid a price for it.

So...there it is. I believe that I've pushed my body as far as I can. And I'm looking forward to getting healthy again.

Beginning November 1 I will be substituting one meal with one daily serving of Numana while eating normal, healthy meals for the other two regular meals of the day.

Yes, my journey into hunger will be over but my spiritual year-long journey will continue in a way that is still sacrificial and a meaningful reminder to me of all of those in our world who are suffering from the effects of long-term hunger.

The Grumpy Factor

We've had a couple of good college visits now...two down and two to go before our little girl makes a decision.

While sitting in the opening session yesterday I missed a call. Later I listened to the voice message in which I was told that my anemia is worse. I know the doctor thinks I must be a complete moron for doing this to myself.

A few months ago when I was first told about this, I started on a multivitamin which includes 100% of the needed daily value of iron. Yesterday, I added iron pills which have 361%. Plus, I drank my first V8 Fusion.  

Eesch...  

But it did include 1 1/2 servings of fruits and vegetables. I think my body is ready for some green, leafy stuff!

So, when we went to the luncheon my brain (stomach?) was screaming, "You really need to eat something! Just eat!" And they were serving salad, green beans, mashed red potatoes, gravy, rolls, and chicken fried steak...with chocolate chip cookie bars and lemon bars for dessert.  

Walking away from that meal was very, very hard. 

Seeing how much food was left over and wondering where it all went was also hard.  

I did a little research and found some symptoms of anemia that I am experiencing:

• Easy fatigue and loss of energy
• Dizziness
• Pale skin
• Leg cramps
• Coldness in hands and feet
• Light-headedness when standing up
• Difficulty concentrating or thinking
• Feeling grumpy

My family is particularly wary of that last one.

Going through this while taking a particularly difficult semester of seminary has been a challenge. I know that my thinking is slow and cloudy. This has not helped the grumpy factor. It is about to drive me crazy that I fumble for the right words and lose my train of thought.

But this is reality. People who are starving don't get to run to the store and buy some iron pills. 

From what I've read, lasting effects come from prolonged and untreated anemia. The decrease in red blood cells means that less oxygen is getting where it needs to go in the body. Although mine will not be prolonged, for many people who are starving this means that they are likely to suffer damage to their heart and brain.

My symptoms are relatively minor and simply bothersome. My anemia isn't severe and life-threatening. Please do not worry.

This post has kept me busy while my family sat together and enjoyed a big breakfast made by my husband---o'brien hash browns, sausage, pancakes, and white queso scrambled eggs.  

Three weeks and counting...

Hope for the Future

I had blood drawn today one last time. The doctor wanted to be sure to check for anemia this time so I am anxious to get the results.  Because I feel pretty good, I will be surprised if I am still anemic.

Today was a hungry day, though.  Although the day is approaching when I will once again be able to taste different flavors and have my hunger completely satisfied, November 18 still seems a long way off when my brain is distracted by food.  Twenty four more full days.

I have decided, however, that I will finish out my full year by substituting one meal per day with the Numana beginning on the 18th. This will allow me to meet my year-long goal in a modified way that still requires a sacrifice and that continues to bring attention to this cause.

Besides that, I realize that my body will need to be reintroduced slowly to different foods. I'm a bit worried about breaking this fast in a healthy way.  I won't be jumping into fried chicken and a rich dessert early that Sunday morning...as much as I think I'd like to!

I reported to you earlier that I've been surprised that I haven't had headaches. This has continued and still surprises me. Also along the way, the heartburn went away.  I realize now that it's been over a month since I've needed to pop a Tums in my mouth. Interesting.

Yesterday after my haircut, I asked my youngest daughter to take my picture. When I looked at it I was shocked! I feel that I look like I've really aged over the last couple of months. In fact, the lady who drew my blood today told me that she didn't even recognize me. However, she assured me that my skin will adjust to this over time when I quit dropping weight. At some point, it will regain a healthy appearance when I am once again providing a reasonable amount of nutrition and calories.

And I know it's true. This is a temporary and self-imposed inconvenience in my life rather than a life sentence...or, I guess I should say, a death sentence. I have the wonderful advantage of hope for the future.

Can you imagine a life without hope?

Well, organizations like Numana are there to provide hope. You can just see it on the faces of those who receive it.

Mrs. Hyde

You may have noticed that I got my new blood work posted on "The Stats" page of the website.  However, you may also notice that it doesn't report my progress on the categories in which I had the most concern--blood platelets, hemoglobin, etc.  Although I specifically told the nurse we needed to check these things, she said she would ask the PA...and then apparently they decided together that this was unnecessary.  So, these things were not checked in my last blood draw.  I was not very happy about it.

So, I've been going forward unsure of whether or not I am still anemic.

But over the last few days I have begun to experience symptoms that have concerned me:  dizziness, confusion, extreme irritability (my husband refers to this as Mrs. Hyde), the inability to focus, and near-fainting.  My daughter has fainted a couple of times and has told me that first things go dark.  I've had things start going dark several times but have been able to fight through this.

This morning my husband and I were timing at our children's swim meet and I was really struggling to understand simple directions (even though I've timed many, many times) and fighting feelings of dizziness.

We decided together that it was time to add some more calories.  He stole a cranberry-grape juice from our kids' cooler and I drank it.

It was like candy!  That was my first experience of something sweet in 67 days.  I felt better within a few minutes.

So...juice has been added as an acceptable supplement to my diet.  I allowed myself two cups of it today--one in the morning and one in the evening.  This increased my caloric intake by about 175%.  I am also still taking vitamins including Iron and B12.

Hopefully these symptoms will now cease.  I'm wondering if they are simply caused by low blood sugar, especially now that I've reviewed those symptoms and seen how my body has responded to the juice.

I'm still moving forward, though, and hope that no additional alterations need to be made.

And they won't be, as long as Mrs. Hyde has made her last appearance.