Handing It Over

Back to work today.  It was good to slide back into a routine of getting the kids off to school and spending my day at the church.

One of the members of our congregation brought in freshly picked apples from his tree.  I brought six home and made a fresh apple crisp.  My family said it was delicious...especially served hot out of the oven with ice cream.  

I'm just going to say it...

I'm hungry!  Well, of course I'm hungry.  But I am seriously hungry.  And kind of angry about it...even though that isn't even rational.

Tonight I had a ministry project with other people from the community.  I'm pretty sure that others, including my family, don't realize the inner struggle that I fought today.  Which is good.

Afterwards, my husband and I ran by the grocery store.  Anything and everything looked good.  After I heated and began eating my Numana, he popped a chicken pot pie into the oven.  Not fair!  Just lying here now and thinking about it makes me hungry all over again...and resentful.

How can I work through this?  How do those who don't have a choice deal with the constant gnawing of hunger?  Will this stage pass or will this get worse?  Is it going to be a constant ebb and flow...or has the ebbing given way to flow that will just continue to flood until I can't take it anymore?

Can I do this?  After all, I have a choice.  I could just say, "Forget it." tomorrow and move on...and it really wouldn't matter to anyone.  Except me?

I knew going into this it wouldn't be easy.  I find that I am reminding myself that part of my purpose behind this journey is to experience true hunger without an easy answer lying around the corner.  I can't just think, "Well, I can eat that next week."  No...a year is so far into the future right now that I can't even see it.  That is no consolation.  And I remind myself that this is by design.  It was my intention.  

Hungry...with no options, no comfort in knowing that this will only last a little bit longer, and feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

And where did I turn today to deal with it?  Inward.  Wrong choice.

God brought me here and I need to trust Him to bring me through it.  No more turning inward.  Enough of the pity party.  I do not have the strength, willpower, or ability to do this on my own. 

Tomorrow is a new day.  And I will hand this over to Him.  Starting now.

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that He may lift you up in due time.  Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you. --1 Peter 5:6-7